Relationships are difficult. One minute you think you have found the one, the next minute things are over without you even seeing the signs. Sometimes though, as much as it doesn’t feel like it, it can be a god send for the relationship to be over, as it could be one deemed as an unhealthy relationship. When someone says unhealthy relationship it isn’t one whereby it’s making the individual unhealthy internally, it’s more the emotional unhealthiness it would have eventually led to. So how do we cope with unhealthy relationships, that may be abusive?In my experience you can only really gauge advice for something like this from someone who has been through it. It’s a difficult subject to go through and advise someone on. It’s also a difficult subject to speak to someone about if they haven’t been through it themselves as it always poses us to question whether they really understand what you are saying or not. Advice lines can tell you that your best bet is a counsellor or someone you can confide in. Don’t get me wrong, they can help big time. But sometimes we need to speak to someone who’s actually been through it.
Now as much as I love my blog to be somewhere that reflects positivity in my life, and moving forward towards new chapters in my life, this is definitely a subject I’ve wanted to include within my blog as it’s something that had affected my life. The effect wasn’t just negative it was actually positive as it led me to meet the person who I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with.
I’ve had more than enough of my fair share of relationships that just weren’t healthy, and that was only in one relationship. As much as I hate taking a trip down memory lane with that one, I know there are so many other people out there who are in these types of relationships and they think it’s normal. Just like I did.
It all started off great, as most of them do, wanting to see each other any moment you can, the gifts, the constant texting. But then that all fizzles out all too quickly. You’re introduced to parents who most likely don’t approve, especially if you’re dating a first born or an only son. For me, that was the exact trigger of how my unhealthy relationship started to unravel. The unhealthiness I had in my relationship was more emotional than anything, and although I was under the impression we were together for more than two years, really it was just a few months, the rest of the time me being led on.
Sometimes, as it was for me, it’s culture that causes the problem. Though in this case it was parents thinking they were of a better class than my family. Which in my opinion is completely wrong, it’s such an old fashioned thing to do. It wasn’t even that it was working class over higher class, it was a caste system within religion – which doesn’t even get followed any more. Any-ways, cut a long story short, for some people, if their parents aren’t happy with who they are with that pretty much ends the relationship, even if it’s over something so petty.
The thing that really bothered me was at every opportunity given to end the relationship it didn’t. And me? I was hooked. Thinking that the way I was being treated was normal, or something that I deserved. At this point, my self esteem was slowly bring crushed, not only by Mr P (let’s just refer to him as that – because really he was nothing more than a P—-, ok keep it clean Vanisha), but by his friends as well – yep you read right, he got his friends to message me too. All the more thinking this was what that great four letter word is. Which, I was completely wrong about.
Further down the line I was being targeted by his friends, over social media, telling me how I was “stalking” this other person just because my relationship status was “in a relationship”, or my profile picture was of us. More fool me, they were actually feeding everyone that same information – that I wouldn’t leave them alone, or that I was obsessed. Makes me think now though, all those apparent date nights we had, or anniversaries, were nothing more than just empty days.
When you’ve experienced something like this, and you question your supposed partner, you are in the frame of mind of clinging onto their every word. In your head you have made out as though they are nothing but perfect, and of course it’s just their friends making up lies to try and drive a wedge. It really does make you question who you can trust.
Let’s move on to the core of the topic though, abusive relationships can be in so many different forms, some of us not even knowing that we are in one. It can be in the form of someone controlling you, telling you what to wear, belittling you at any chance they can get, even the old phrase “you will never find anyone better than me“. Really, what you need to tell yourself, and this can be so difficult, is do I really deserve this? This is my life, and you only get one shot at it, can that person really make me happy? Is this really what I want to spend the rest of my life putting up with? Yes – the rest of your life can be a bit extreme, but ultimately, that’s what it can lead to. You never really getting out of the rut, and bouncing from one person to another who just treats you the same. I honestly felt like a tethered puppet, being controlled by the toxic side of love.
Bit of advice for you, the way I escaped being in a relationship that was making me feel suffocated and with very little self confidence, was actually taking a good hard look in the mirror and asking myself was this really what I wanted? As much as I thought I was in love, I knew I deserved way better, and actually I was happier on my own than with that person. I realized that I smiled more being in the company of others, or that I wasn’t as on edge when I was on my own. I could actually be who I wanted to be in life without needing that other person to give me permission, or tell me how things should have been done. But at the same time, it also meant cutting every tie we had and starting a fresh, that means burning all the gifts, shredding all the cards, changing my number, creating new social media accounts just to clear away that part of history.
All in all, what I’m trying to say is the first thing you really need to do is evaluate things and the situation you are in, if the answer to your question is no this is not what I deserve then get out as soon as you can. Cut all ties. Lean on family and friends for support, and never look back. You deserve better, and your future shouldn’t be dragged down by others that are too insecure with their own selves.
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